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Satire Since 1993

Trump for Prez

World Headline News Endorses

Donald J. Trump For President

Excellence in 'Foreign Affairs' Cited

THUS, in light of his strength in 'foreign affairs', the World Headline News has elected to endorse Mr. Donald J. Trump for President. Mr. Trump is, as explained by Mr. John Stewart, the biggest "Man-Baby" running.  We at the WHN think Trump IS the “Man-Baby” who can take charge of our ‘foreign affairs’ and make both our Allies and enemies quake at the shake of America's rattle.  

In answering this important question, Mr. Trump won hands down.  The Donald has been married three times, two of which were to women from the dreaded "Former Soviet Union and its Satellite States".  Mr. Trumps 'hands on' experience in dealing with these 'foreign affairs' could be critical in dealing with Mr. Putin and a resurgent Russia as it rebuilds the Soviet Empire via invasion and economic strangulation.  However, Mr. Trump does exhibit some weaknesses in 'foreign affairs'.  Specifically weakness may exist in Mr. Trump's ability to deal with China.  The World Headline News has been unable to independently verify whether Mr. Trump has had 'foreign affairs' experiences within the Asian context and would suggest to Mr. Trump that he address this issue as soon as possible upon election.  A Whitehouse wedding is long over due and by exiting his here-to-fore 'Eurocentric' focus, Mr. Trump could make "uuuge" gains in Asia that, with proper timing, could be combined with a state visit by President Xi of China (Hint: it is our understanding that Mr. Xi's granddaughter is of an appropriate age (22) for Mr. Trump and is, at this time, unmarried).

In contrast to Mr. Trump, Mrs. Clinton has very limited experience in 'foreign affairs'.  As cited on Ms. Clinton's campaign website (, she has only been married once and that has been to a near hillbilly from Arkansas.  In light of this, there is no evidence that Hillary has any experience with 'foreign affairs'.  To counter this deficit, it is possible that Mr. Clinton's experience could prove fortuitous for Mrs. Clinton should she achieve the Whitehouse.  Numerous sources cite the vast, though poorly documented, experience of former President Clinton in covert 'foreign affairs'.  Indeed, well-placed sources suggest that Mr. Clinton may have more experience in 'foreign affairs' than Mr. Trump.

While it is unlikely that either Mr. Sanders (sometime Democrat) or Mr. Kasich (tea bag-less Republican) will achieve their respective party nominations, neither has any documented experience in 'foreign affairs'.  Mr. Sander's has lived a relatively cloistered life in the small, insulated, state of Vermont with a domestic spouse of 27 years (1988-present).   However, this marriage was preceded by a 'domestic practice marriage' of 2 years (1964-66) and a domestic partner of 1 year (1969) - neither of which constituted any experience in 'foreign affairs'.  To Mr. Sander's credit however is that in 1963, as a 21 year old scholar in Chicago, he wrote a manifesto on sexual freedom (Titled "Sex and the Single Girl—Part Two") that could be viewed as embracing an openness to 'foreign affairs'.  Like Mr. Sanders, Mr. Kasich has experienced only domestic affairs (1975-80 and 1997-present) with no evidence of any experience in 'foreign affairs'.

Surrey (WHN) Following an in-depth analysis of the remaining four candidates for President of the United States of America, the World Headline News is endorsing Donald John Trump (formerly Drumph).  While the duties of the President of the United States encompass both domestic and foreign affairs, the WHN believes that the most important duty of the President is in managing 'foreign affairs'.  Hence, in our analysis of WHO SHOULD BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, the foremost question should be: Who has had the most experience in 'foreign affairs'?

May 16, 2016

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:

May 16, 2016   •   Issue 72