Shocking Santa News!
December 12, 2016 • Issue 88
Exclusive to the World Headline News
Exclusive WHN Report:
Grainy surveillance photo of reported master criminal caught In a criminal Axe(ct)? The U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service has identified the culprit as Mr. S. Claus; a.k.a., Chis Kringle, Saint Nick, and Guiseppi “The Axe-Man” Gambino. Federal sources are concerned that Mr. Gambino, er, Claus, may attempt an illegal entry into the United States.... and possibly the White House.
20th Century Fox Television and World Headline News Entertainment Present The All New Holiday Classic:
Washington D.C. (WHN) Following the Canadian arrest and detention of Mr. Santa Claus for "Breaking and Entering" (see above story), United States Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) officials have began investigating Mr. Claus's activities in the United States. Initial findings by INS Agent Mr. Rudolph (with his nose so bright ... from a drinking problem) Giuliani has discovered that Mr. Claus is not a citizen or legal visitor to the United States. Because of repeated past violations of U.S. immigration law, Mr. Claus will remain in the custody of INS agents while they investigate Mr. Claus's potential ties to organized crime.
Speculation is rampant that Mr. Claus is, in fact, Guiseppi "The Axe-Man" Gambino. Mr. Claus will be transported to the U.S. Naval Station at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and held there with illegal Iraqi and Afghani visitors. Lawyers for Mr. Claus state that these recent events “do not bode well” for continuing holiday cheer. Further they state, “Kids everywhere shall rise up and throw off the parental yoke of repression and free Mr. Claus...but only after the “Mighty Morphin Rangers Show” is over.”
Meanwhile, President-Elect Donald Trump has declared Mr. Claus a “persona non grata” in the United State since the alleged criminal activity in Canada makes him inadmissible to the United States. President-Elect Trump, in a speech given to the National Association for Zapping Immigrants (NAZI) said that “NO illegal or undocumented aliens will be allowed in the U.S.A! Mr. Claus, who is already under investigation for criminal activity in Canada, is no exception! America for Americans, or...... rich investors in Trump International Hotels®!!!!”
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St. Nick is Illegal Alien!
Found to Be In Violation of New U.S. Immigration Laws!
Downward Noel Spiral Continues!? Santa Caught With Pants
Down in Alberta!
A dejected Mark Scott - "victim" in The Case of the Missing Ruffles®. Did a drunken Santa Do It!?
When questioned regarding her husbands claims, "Sweet-Pea" cast some doubt on his story's veracity, “I think my husband drank too much egg-nog and is just trying to cover up the fact that HE ate all the chips... again! Last time he did that, he blamed Hillary Clinton and had President Trump throw her in jail!” Mr. Scott, when confronted with "Sweet-Peas" accusations could only utter a garbled "Bah Humbug" as chips fell away from the corner of his mouth. Mr. Scott has reportedly hired famed lawyer Perry Mason, of New Westminster, to represent him should Mr. Murdoch, laying his finger aside of his nose, point an accusing finger at Mr. Scott and say, "It was he, who ate the chips and not the jolly old elf, throw him in jail and Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) Detective William Murdoch (on loan to the RCMP from the Toronto Constabulary*) is investigating the alleged illegal entry and stated: “It is quite evident that the alleged felon did not enter through the doors or windows and while traces of chimney dust were found on the outer garments of Mr. Claus, NO chip crumbs were observed! I did, however, observe Mr. Scott's greasy fingers.” In light of the evidence, Detective Murdoch is actively investigating an alternative suspect to Mr. Claus in "The Case of The Missing Ruffles®".
Detective William Murdoch arrived on scene in a 63 Mercury Comet. Mr. Murdoch states he will be transporting Ms. Vixen back to the "office" for "further questioning".
The Case of the Missing Ruffles®: Artist rendering of eye-witness Mark Scott's description of the 'clausian' suspect in the act of committing the dastardly crime.
Surrey, BC (WHN) In a shocking holiday development, Mr. Santa Claus, of North Pole, Earth, was arrested and charged with breaking and entering. Mr. Claus was allegedly caught illegally entering the Surrey, BC home of Mr. Mark “The Grinch” Scott and Ms. Wendy “Sweet-Pea” xyz (name redacted to protect the innocent). Mark, who claims to be the illegitimate brother of the WHN LifeStyle Reporter Ned Ander-Thal, stated, “T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a (German) shepherd. When all of a sudden, a felonious St. Nick, was found scooping up the silver and the chips (Ruffles® 32oz Costco bag)! With beer in hand and dressed all in red, from his head to his foot, his clothes were all tarnished with cigarette ashes and misplaced loot; a bundle of chips he had flung in his mouth, and he looked just like a thief who had just run out of luck. With my chips in his hand, I tackled him down but not in time to save a single crumb. With a Dash(er) and a Dance(r) followed by a Prance(r), with a Vixen in hand, and Cupid on call, I called the local Donder-ing bobby who arrived in a Blitzen in a 63 Comet.”
Mr. Claus's bladder control is under investigation. A Mr. Stephen Harper claims that a drunker Santa is to blame for yellow snow. Mr. Harper, forever scarred by the incident now wears big "anti-santa" hats.
Mr. Claus, now appearing in the new holiday classic "How the Kardashians Saved X-Mas", denies everything. Co-Star Kim Kardashian states, "Santa is just like Kanye, unpredictable..." .
GASP! SANTA Charged With Breaking
& Entering! Say it Ain't So...
Calgary, Alberta (WHN) Unemployed Albertan oil patch worker Mr. Stephen Harper, has filed a report with the Provincial RCMP charging Mr. S. Claus with indecent public exposure. In his complaint, Mr. Harper alleges that upon hearing noises on his roof (“Gad, I thought I had me a herd of buffalo on my gosh-darn roof, eh!”) went outside to look and was caught in “mid-stream” as Santa was relieving himself. Mr. Harper further states that a belligerent Santa yelled, “Oh piss off. You're nothing but a churlish, dumb and ugly Albertan sheepherder.... I'm somebody... Hell, I'm bloody SANTA!” Mr. Harper wants everybody to know "I'm not a sheepherder." The visibly drunken Santa, who was accompanied by a scantly clad Miss Vixen, recently released from Custody in relation to an earlier case, then proceeded to throw lumps of coal at Mr. Harper. Mr. Harper appeared to be quite happy with the gift of coal, "It will help Alberta to become an official Banana Republic - yay global warming!"
SYNOPSIS: The Grinch's marriage to Cindy Lou Who is rapidly falling apart after they move from Whoville to Los Angeles in pursuit of his dreams of a Hollywood career. Cindy Lou, working as a cocktail waitress to pay the rent, meets Bruce, a former Olympian and now a member of the Hollywood elite. The Grinch's heart, in seeing the budding romance between Cindy Lou and Bruce blossom, shrinks 3 sizes too small. Surprisingly, this makes the Grinch the PERFECT Hollywood Producer! THE PICTURE-PERFECT HOLLYWOOD ENDING? Not a chance...
Bruce, looses his leading role in the long-standing comedy "Two-Thirds Man" and is replaced by a disillusioned and drunken Santa Claus who has been downsized due to the flood of cheap Canadian toy imports thus ending X-mas. X-man star Jenner must find inner peace, but it comes at a cost: Cindy Lou Who finds herself broke and all alone in L.A. Meanwhile, the Grinch, despite critical and financial success, finds that life without Cindy Lou is just one big drunken party... and is loving it leading to his landing a hot new "Reality TV show! The Kardashian Clan, threatened by the reality show success of the Grinch, the firing of Bruce from "Men", seek vengeance. Kim Kardashian, coming off an unhappy romp with a drunken Santa, finds that she has fallen in love with the Grinch - but family honor must come first. In their pursuit of vengeance, can Kim find true love and can the Kardashians save X-mas ??
* To our Non-Canadian Readers: Murdoch Mysteries is an excellent, long running, Canadian Broadcasting Company (CBC) television police mystery set in Toronto at the turn of the 20TH century.
WHN Legal Correspondent, and erstwhile lawyer, Ned Ander-Thal (2016 Graduate of the esteemed Judge Judy School of Law), representing Mr. Claus, claims that the reported crime is a classic example of mistaken identity: "Mr. Claus was not in Calgary at the time of the reported incidence. We have evidence provided by NORAD that Mr. Claus's sleigh was in Brampton, Ontario at the time of the crime [EDITOR: Interestingly, Ms. Vixen was released from Police custody in Brampton, ON]. We do however, have definitive proof that a Mr. Justin Trudeau was impersonating Mr. Claus and now has an empty bladder...."
Mr. Ander-Thal further states that, "IF evidence does suggest that Mr. Claus was indeed caught in this compromising situation, it was likely during filming of the new holiday classic "How the Kardashians Saved X-Mas". Much of this film was shot in Calgary and Mr. Harper, due to his unemployed status, may have been serving as one of film's uncredited extras." Rumors that Santa and Kim Kardashian developed a more than friendly relationship while filming the hit movie continue to stalk the pair and are reported to be the cause of (Kim's husband) Kanye West's recent mental breakdown.