2016 RNC Champ!
CRUSHES Republican Opposition - Wins RNC Crown
Democrats Claim Steroid Use
July 19, 2016
Surrey (WHN) In events unthought-of just months ago, Donald J. Trump has received the nomination for President of the United States from the Republican Party. Reports from the Republican National Convention suggest that Mr. Trump clinched the nomination following the swimsuit competition (see photo). However, there is some doubt as to this assertion as the WHN has learned that fringe elements within the Republican party claim that, despite his 'bootylicious' win in the swimsuit competition, his very, very poor performances in the Talent and Question segments should have disqualified him. Former Cruz VP selection, and current Ms. Congeniality, Carly Fiorina has stated the fix was always in for Mr. Trump. Ms. Fiorina states that, “The DRUDGE REPORT® had announced “The Donald” as winner even before Mr. Cruz, Mr. Rubio or Mr. Bush donned their swimsuits!” However, unfortunately for convention delegates, the DRUDGE REPORT® only announced Mr. Trump as the winner AFTER Mr. Chris Christy had walked the stage in a daring, low cut, semi-transparent Speedo (“Oh my, this is terrible... Oh, the humanity!”).
WINNER - Republican National Convention Swimsuit Competition
WINNER - DRUDGE REPORT Most Likely to Sell Web Hits
LOSER - well, it's a loooong list ....
Ned Ander-Thal, WHN political analyst and a charter member of the heinous mainstream press, reports that there may be some truth to these claims. Internal Trump campaign documents suggest that in consideration of the support that the DRUDGE REPORT has provided to the Trump campaign, Mr. Trump will upon his election, name the DRUDGE REPORT as the Official News Organ of the United States of America. Per Mr. Trump, “I believe that to 'Make America Great Again'® we need a consistent message. Just like Russia (Editor: Soviet Union) needed PRAVDA, America needs the DRUDGE REPORT. My first tweet as President will be to name Matt Drudge Secretary of News.” Mr. Ander-Thal further reports that these internal documents state that ALL other news organization will have their White House Press credentials revoked upon Mr. Trump's ascendency to the Presidency.
Not surprisingly the Democratic party is petrified of Mr. Trump. According to Democratic pollsters, it is clear that Mr. Trump will easily defeat Mrs. Clinton in the November competition because, as most honest Americans will admit, the swimsuit competition is the only thing that matters in a beauty contest. In an attempt to counter Mr. Trump's obvious attributes (see photo), multiple Democratic sources are claiming that Mr. Trumps swimsuit win was fueled by steroid use and steroid rage and that “Mrs. Clinton has never used steroids and will win on her other talents” [to which Mr. Trump tweeted, “What talent, her ability to lie?!”]. However, despite an aggressive 'steroid' message, it appears that the Democrats are running scared ahead of the November 8 Beauty Contest. Several sources have reported that famed image consultant, and Democratic fundraiser, Mr. Hugh Hefner has been hired to work with Mrs. Clinton on improving her competitiveness in the swimsuit segment of the competition. The WHN will be working aggressively to capture photos of Mrs. Clinton in her micro-kini. To capture these photos, the WHN has hired Captain Ahab Ceely who has promised (“Thar she blows, my good Queequeg grab me a harpoon camera!”) to pursue these photo to the ends of the world. The WHN promises to show these photos to our loyal readers upon their receipt - keep your eyes peeled.
-God Help Us All
Q&A With Ned Ander-Thal
Q: Why are American Political Conventions held in July?
A: Because it rhymes with 'You-Lie'
Exclusive to the World Headline News
Exclusive WHN Report:
July 19, 2016 • Issue 75