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Satire Since 1993

Washington, D.C. (WHN) Former Vice President Richard Cheney, consultant to the Transportation  Security Administration (TSA) defended the new TSA Policy banning the use and sale of Explosive Concealment Devices (ECDs) in all public air spaces.  According to Mr. Cheney, “CIA risk assessment profiles demonstrate that ALL suicide bombers require ECDs for the successful completion of their nefarious missions. Banning ECDs prevents terrorist acts on American soil and saves American lives.”  

     Several unexpected benefits have been noted subsequent to the ECD-ban.  Screening rates at airport check-ins have been dramatically improved and, by public perception at least, the rate of obesity in the US has unexpectedly declined - or ‘some’ people are just staying home.  While significant support has been given to the TSA’s policy by some organizations, notably the coalition formed by the American Safety Society (ASS) and World Imperial Protection Entity (WIPE), other groups have come out against it.  Leading the opposition has been the Business Relationship Association (BRA) which cites a lack of support among it’s members. Ms. Carol Doda stated that “We have been stripped of our rights.  If left unencumbered by public scrutiny, the TSA is sure to see significant sagging in its public support.”  

     The TSA Administration denies that the ECD ban is unconstitutional.  President Obama in his weekly radio address (for unexplained reasons the President has NOT held any televised news conferences since the ECD ban) reiterated the evidence presented by the CIA that ECDs promote successful terrorism and that “...only terrorists and ‘the up-tight’ are against the ban.”  Via phone, a prostrate Senator Ted Cruz demanded the immediate repeal of the ECD ban and the return of the fundamental right of Americans to purchase and use approved ECD.  However, in an attempt of bipartisan compromise, Senator Cruz and other leading Republicans are willing to support an ECD ban in all other countries and, if necessary, invade countries flaunting the US ECD ban including Mr. Cruz’s birth nation of Canada.

     Shocked Canadian leaders are, however, angry at the suggestion that only Americans should have access to ECDs.  Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada decried the USA’s third world ECD ban stating, “ECDs have nonviolent purposes as well and in Canada, especially from October to May, we have an Absolute® need for ECDs.  I will not let the Americans dictate Canadian ECD policy.  Indeed, a Conservative government will support ongoing access to ECDs for Canadians.”  Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau, while partially supportive of Mr. Harper’s policy, states that “It will be crucial though, that for security interests, we implement an ECD Registry.”  However, Stephen Harper warned that a Federal ECD Registry would cost billions and would be the first step towards banning ECDs outright, “If they did it to handguns, you can bet that they will do it to ECDs!”

Americans ENJOY Freedom From Suicide Bombers Due

to New TSA Regulations

Unparalleled Security Following Banning of ECDs

TSA Miracles

Exclusive to the World Headline News

Exclusive WHN Report:

February 1, 2014   •   Issue 68