April Showers

April SHOWERS

March 21, 2024 • Issue 185 (of 200?)

World Headline News EXCLUSIVE

The WHN is The GOLD Standard for YELLOW Journalism

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2024. According to sources within the Canadian Betting Commission (CBC), several complaints were received from WHN subscribers upset by Mr. Bouda's win and claiming that the contest was rigged. Some complainants forwarded to the CBC a previously published photo of WHN janitor Mark Scott with Mr. Bouda taken in 1979 when they worked together in Dakoro, Niger. Suspiciously, Mr. Bouda was also the ONLY contestant who actually had a 'local branch' of Banque Commerciale du Niger who could collect the 1000 CFA francs and convert it to US dollars. When contacted by the CBC, Mr. Bouda was quoted as saying, "I'm very happy with my 500 CFA!" - raising questions as to where the other 500 CFA went. Janitor Scott could not be reached as he was reported to be on vacation at an exclusive resort on the Niger river outside of Niamey.

Editor Ned Ander-Thal denies any wrongdoing stating, "I 'may', but probably don't, love Mark like a son, but he's a janitor, so why would I want to do him a favor - what could he do for me? Would Donald Trump help Eric? I think NOT! Lara yes, Eric no." Despite Ned's convincing denials, some people [in the RCMP] remain unconvinced. Ned is reported as saying, "Good thing I live close to the border so I can flee the RCMP into the USA and beyond! I've heard nice things about this resort on the Niger river..."

Almost Washington State (WHN) March 7. The salacious Steele Dossier, which came to light in late 2016, contained unverified and allegations of sexual exploits (i.e., "golden showers") . The rumored 'pee-pee tape', secretly filmed by Russian FSB intelligence service, reportedly captured Mr. Trump with prostitutes at the Ritz-Carlton-Moscow in 2013. The dossier concluded that Trump was consequently "compromised" by the Russian FSB. The Dossier further reported that Russian President Vladimir Putin "supported and directed" an operation to "cultivate" Trump as a presidential candidate for "at least five years" (beginning at least by 2010). The dossier was leaked to the public via the Buzzfeed website - not by the author or his agents.

Jolly Olde England Not So Jolly

Must Pay £300,000+ In Legal Fees

UK Court Dismisses Trump's 'Dubious' Lawsuit

Mr. Trump took no legal action against Mr. Steele or Orbis Business Intelligence (Steele's company) until filing this lawsuit in 2022. Due to the suits dubious nature, the court dismissed it and awarded £300,000 (~ US$385,000) in legal fees to Orbis that may be increased to upwards of £600,000 upon full accounting. In its ruling, the High Court judge found "no compelling reasons" to allow Mr. Trump's claim to proceed to trial where it was "bound to fail". The judge strongly rejected Trump's claim for compensation, stating that he had "chosen to allow many years to elapse -- without any attempt to vindicate his reputation" in the UK courts since the dossier came out in 2016/17. A, um, 'pissed-off' Mr. Trump simply stated, "It's a witch hunt, English judges have a long history of witch hunts! Off with King Charles III's head! Diana always liked ME better than him anyway.... ladies just love the Trump.."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Is this photo possible evidence from the Steele Dossier? Christopher Steele is awarded ~US $385,000 in initial legal fees arising from Mr. Trumps dismissed lawsuit.

English Justice

'GETS' Trump!

A SHOWER OF TRUMP LEGAL Woes!

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2024. In an apparently desperate attempt to aid Donald Trump's FOURTH try at the White House (an aborted try in 2012 and then 2016, 2020 and 2024), Mrs. Eric Trump, a.k.a. Lara Trump (née Yunaska), a.k.a., Donald Trump's favorite, and most huggable, Daughter-In-Law, has been elected Co-Chair of the Republican National Committee (RNC). Per 'The Don', "She's got a lot of assets. Once in a while I hug Eric, but I always hug Lara... except when Melania is around."

Lara: SHOWERS of CA$H To Donald

The RNC is, historically, responsible for obtaining and coordinating funding for Congressional, Senatorial, and Presidential races. But not his year (apparently). Mrs. Trump has sworn to the GQP base that “Every single penny will go to the number one and the only job of the RNC: that is electing Donald J. Trump as president of the United States and saving this country. We have no time to waste. We’ve got to get to work. We’ve got a lot of money to raise and we need to ensure that every penny goes to those things that I just mentioned.” Lara has also stated to the voters of South Carolina, prior to her RNC election, that 'Republican voters would welcome having their donations go toward Donald Trump’s MASSIVE LEGAL FEES.' She said she wasn’t familiar with the RNC’s rules but that Republicans would support offsetting the cost of the former president’s “political persecution.” [see next report]

GQP SHOWERS TRUMP

With NOMINATION and DICTATORIAL CONTROL of Party!

(and Nation?!?) Trump Gives GQP Lara!

Role Models for TRUMP'S AMERICA! Trump Praises Russia's 'President-for-Life' Vladimir Putin and Hungry's VERY Authoritarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2024. Focused on winning in November 2024 (or at latest January 2025), 'semi-citizen' Trump has begun the transition to Candidate Trump. To this end, the Trump campaign has enlisted the aid of the TOP political consultants in the East... Eastern Europe that is.

Perhaps surprisingly, these consultants feel that Mr. Trump failed to win, or then overthrow, the election of 2020 because of his HAIR. Per one consultant, a Mr. Vladimir Putin of Moscow (not Idaho), "The Don spends too much time every morning 'structuring' his combover, gluing it in place with hair spray and Elmer's Glue®, and applying hair and skin coloring. Look at me - I have minimal worries about fixing my hair leaving me plenty of time to suppress democracy, imprison or kill political opponents, and invade neighboring countries. ALL BECAUSE I DON'T DO COMBOVERS. Thus, we have re-coiffed Donald."

Another autocrat has focused on Mr. Trump's approach to democracy. Viktor Orbán of Hungry, has began schooling Mr. Trump on how to destroy democracy from within - a test that Mr. Trump failed on January 6, 2020. Per Mr. Trump, “There’s nobody smarter or a better leader than Viktor Orbán. He’s the boss. He says, ‘This is the way it’s going to be and that’s the end of it.’ He’s the boss. He’s a great leader. Just like me!”

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Tired of the media's (and comedians) focus on his combover hair, Mr. Trump took the advice of his style consultant and went for a new look. Initial response has been positive with the Moscow (not Idaho) Herald saying, "His hair looks manly, elegant, and forceful. With hair like this, he can restyle America into Russia's junior ally." © 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Using forged Russian Press credentials, the WHN's Ned Ander-Thal infiltrated the inaugural meeting of the Mar-a-Lago StrongMan Club. Using a dumbbell camera, Ned successfully captured a photo of the three "He-Men of Autocracy", and the 'Patio Babes' working out while plotting world domination. Clearly, as the FUTURE leader of the United States, Mr. Trump has been tasked with the heavy lifting of ending the United States republic from within - a job he is keen to do right THIS TIME and not fail like he did in 2020: "I had my Bavarian Beer Hall Moment [2020], now it's my Reichstag Moment!" © 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Stalin Is In Vogue In Russia; Will Hitler-Lite Be In Vogue in the USA?

The 2024 Election Will Tell!

A SHOWER of Gold Medals, Money, and BIG questions...

Almost Washington State (WHN) March 13, 2024. As predicted by Soothsayer Ned, and surprising no one, it will be a Biden v. Trump rematch in November 2024. Each candidate dominated the early primaries clinching their respective party's nomination on March 13 and ensuring perhaps the longest (and likely the most painful) Presidential campaign in American history - 8 loooooooong months.

Our sympathies to both the American public and, especially, the rest of the 8 billion other humans on planet earth (and in low orbit) who will have to suffer through the 2024 American Election.

CONTEST FRAUD ALLEGED!

WHN EXCLUSIVES:

[TOP PHOTO] WHN subscriber Moussa Bouda of Dakoro, Niger, was the 'selected' winner of the "Find Cooper Contest". Mr. Bouda is 'shown' standing in front of his elegant solution to the requisite CBC Skill Test of: (1-1000) x Trumps IQ = "?" Photo reportedly submitted by Mr. Moussa Bouda.

[BOTTOM PHOTO] However, according to the CBC, 'some' people are upset by Mr. Bouda's win by claiming that WHN janitor Mark Scott worked with a Moussa in Niger in 1979. A close look at the Mr. Bouda in photos taken in 1979 and in 2024 does show a striking similarity between the two Boudas... despite the 45 years between photos... according to the ongoing RCMP investigation. © 2024 RCMP vs. Ned Ander-Thal and the World Headline News

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2024. Longtime WHN subscriber Moussa Bouda of Dakoro, Niger was announced as the WINNER of the March Find Cooper Contest. Mr. Bouda presented his chalkboard to the WHN to document both his discovery of Cooper as well as his clear and concise solution to the requisite Canadian Skill test of: (1-1000) x Trumps IQ = "?"

UPDATE: While Mr. Bouda has already collected his hefty winnings, late news has reached the WHN that the Canadian Betting Commission (CBC) and Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) are investigating some [EDITOR: clearly dubious] claims of irregularities lodged by a minority (49.997%) of 'WHN Subscribers and Innocent Victims'.

"In a world where qualifications are often measured by titles and years of experience, we’re reminded of a truth: God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called. Lara Trump is the embodiment of this truth."

Beth Bloch's RNC Nomination Speech for Lara Trump (2024)

A SHOWER, A Haircut, And A Constitutional Makeover, Makes A STRONG MAN!

The WHN is THE GOLD Standard

for YELLOW Journalism

A SHOWER OF TEARS?

REAL CRIME TRUMP HEADLINES

"I should have

TOTAL IMMUNITY!"

Moscow Style

With Trump's and the GOP's open embrace of autocracy and the virtues of 'strong man' government, Mr. Trump has formed the "Mar-a-Lago StrongMan (& Patio Babes) Club". Mr. Trump took great care in the selection of the He-Men of Autocracy (as the Executive Committee is know) by enlisting 'only the BEST' international consultants. Mr. Vladimir Putin (better known in Canada as Vlad M.R. Poutine) of Russia and Mr. Viktor Orbán of Hungry. Both men are acknowledged experts in, and the authors of, The Art of The Deal: Leading By 'Execution'. But testosterone laden men cannot work alone. To sooth the savage He-Men beasts, Mr. Trump has turned to the House of Representatives to solicit "Patio Babes" to provide snacks, drinks, and adoring looks to the He-Men. Among the first known "Patio Babes" are Representatives Marjorie Taylor-Greene, Elise Stefanik, and Lauren Boebert - though others are actively trying to join.

In concert with his other He-Men (and the 'Babes'), Mr. Trump is already drafting proposals to neuter 'The Deep State' (i.e., constitutional checks and balances) that prevented the success of Mr. Trump's celebrated 2020 "January 6 Insurrection Inaugural Ball". Justifying these moves, Mr. Trump stated, "Even Vladimir Putin … says that Biden’s, and this is a quote, politically motivated persecution of his political rival is very good for Russia because it shows the rottenness of the American political system, which cannot pretend to teach others about democracy.” Clearly, according to Trump, Mr. Putin has America's (and Ukraine's) best interests at heart.

AMERICA'S SALVATION?

The Mar-a-Lago

StrongMan (& Patio Babes) Club

OLD NEWS: Prior to Donald Trump, perhaps the most autocratic leader elected to the Executive Branch was Vice President Dick Cheney (2000-2008), and even he stated in 2022 that TRUMP:

"is the greatest threat to our republic".

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Mar-a-Lago StrongMan Club's lawyer Alina Habba objected to the WHN's portrayal of the "Patio Babes" stating:

"Many serious professionals conduct business at Mar-a-Lago. I myself formulated all of Mr. Trump's New York rape defamation and fraud defenses poolside at Mar-a-Lago. I think the outcome of our court cases attests to the quality of work that occurs poolside... Now, please excuse me as Donald is chasing me AGAIN - good thing he only waddles. Mr. Putin, however, is much more worrisome - he moves a lot faster and thinks I'm Ukrainian."

World Headline News

NOTE TO READERS:

500 CFA = $0.83 US or

$1.12 Canadian

"I'm a very poor billionaire... maybe Vlad can help!?"

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS!