Holly Jolly 2023

PLEASE BELIEVE

It's A Holly Jolly Season

Dogged WHN Reporter Cooper Ander-Thal extends an olive (well, blackberry) branch to all our

semi-Valued WHN Readers:

"Sorry for all the I've sent your

way - but you WILL still pet me and give

me belly rub me won't you!?"

MERRY CHRISTMAS

December 14, 2023 • Issue 180 (of 200?)

Exclusive to the

World Headline News

"Peace To All Mankind and (PLEASE!) Pets from All Mankind"

Almost Washington State (WHN) December 14, 2023. In a shocking development, the International Department of Infectious Olfactory Toxicology (IDIOT) has filed suit against S. Claus Industries (the Defendant) for violating environmental rules regarding illegal dumping of sewage. According to the complaint, an illegal flying vehicle registered to the defendant annually scattered reindeer scat all across the globe on the late evening and early morning of December 24/25. In a press conference announcing the IDIOT's actions, Chief IDIOT Ned 'The Grinch' Ander-Thal stated, "Oh, the humanity. People were looking up into the sky, mouths agape, watching a fast moving sleigh tonight, when out of the sky, a golden stream, followed, by lumps of faux chocolate, fell into their mouths. A bellow they did yell as they sputtered and spit, 'Curse You Santa'!" Citing international regulations for airplane lavatories, Mr. Claus, President of S. Claus Industries, has been charged with illegal dumping of a biologically hazardous material. Mr. Claus, shocked by the criminal complaint, stated: "What the sh#$? Hey IDOTs, my delivery operation is 100% green - unlike those bastards at FedEx and UPS who fly pollution spewing jumbo jets. So a few people get fowled by a little pee and poop - have you seen the way a kid's eyes light up when they open their presents on Christmas morning? Sure, the wrapping paper may be a little brown or yellow, but that is what pajama sleeves are for - to wipe crap off."

Per the lawsuit, IDIOT is calling for the banning of Santa and retroactive fines for the last 2023 years of 'Christmas' celebrations that had befouled the globe. Per Chief IDIOT Mr. Ander-Thal, "We think that an average fine of $156,987,537,112.32 per year, with a compounded interest rate of 7.5% per year is reasonable. Have you seen how polluted the world is - can you imagine how expensive it will be to clean it up?! We have no choice but to go after Santa. Global warming is coming and it is going to be bad. Now, just imagine if it is both unbearably hot AND you are surrounded by reindeer excrement - both solid and liquid - just think of the smell! To protect the worlds olfactory senses, we must end this global desecration now."

However, in an amicus curie filed by 'The Friends of Santa', it was pointed out that the material in question (hereafter referred to as 'poop') is 100% organic and compostable. Moreover, the amicus curie argues that Santa's flights are of economic benefit. Per spokes elf Sugarplum Mary, "The reindeer cloud 'seedings' are crucial to the economic well being of the world. Indeed, if you look at the Canadian province of British Columbia alone, harvesting of reindeer excrement is the cornerstone of their economy due to overfishing and clear cutting of their forests. The real economic poop, is poop! The entire economy is based on a cottage industry of people harvesting the reindeer scat to export as Reindeer Poop Candies as documented in Wackipodia [see sidebar]. Moreover, the golden stream of reindeer pee is gathered to provide a refreshing fermented drink enjoyed by a few people and tolerated by a even more. Without this valuable resource, BC would be economically driven back into BC (before Christmas)."

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Following a visit by a local mall Santa, Don Sr. and Don Jr., like two emotionally immature kids they are, ecstatically celebrate the holidays at the annual Mar-a-Lago Christmas Party. Don Sr. happily exclaimed, "I got a giant potato for an imaginary country!" In contrast, Don Jr. was more in the giving mood, "Hey baby, wanna unwrap my present!?!" © 2023 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

2023

NORTH-ish POLE OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE

Almost Washington State (WHN) December 14, 2023. Despite inhumanities 'best'-ish efforts, civilization somehow still exists as this holiday season races towards it climax [EDITOR: we believe that the aforementioned 'climax' is likely BOXING DAY!]. The WHN staff, for the most part, wishes our subscribers, as well as any innocent victims exposed to our pages, a Happy Holiday Season and a Joyeux New Years. While Santa works, and parties, hard, it seems that not everyone appreciates his efforts. According to some (see FOX News), there are those working to (GASP!) BAN Christmas....

or was that Democracy?... or both?

IDIOT Sues

S. Claus Industries for Illegal

DUMPING OF ORGANIC SEWAGE

Economy of Canadian Province Sure To Be Decimated!

Wackipodia

(This story has strange legs)

The B.C. Economy

According to a recent Wackipodia entry (now strangely deleted), the economy of B.C. is almost entirely dependent on the harvesting of excrement (solid and liquid) arising from the seasonal aerial spread by magical reindeer belonging to S. Claus Industries. While salmon fisheries and timber harvesting previously were the major B.C. industries, over fishing and clear cut harvesting of timber has decimated those industries. Current statistics peg the 'poop' industry at being worth over $259 billion annually. Salmon fishing and timber exports are now, respectively, approximately $2 and $0.05 (i.e., the proverbial wooden nickel).

Per Wackipodia, Surrey BC is the capital of 'poop' with it citizens hand harvesting the magical poop and pee which is then repackaged for human consumption (see photo). Some limited attempts have been made to reduce reliance on the arial seeding of the crop by the magical reindeer of S. Claus Industries using 'cultured' poop and pee from a captive herd of magical reindeer.

While the natural seeding of the traditional crop occurs annually between the late evening of December 24 and early morning of December 25, the poop and pee industry hopes that the establishment of a captive herd of magical reindeer will allow for year round harvesting and sale of the two traditional products: reindeer poop candy and Reindeer pee beer. However, experts caution that it may be decades before reindeer farming can replace the excrement excreted by the S. Claus Industries reindeer fleet.

Reindeer poop candies come in both smooth and chunky (depending on the amount of fiber in the animal's diet) and can also be mint flavored if fresh mint is added to the diet. Reindeer Piss Beer (as the marketing elves label it) is best described a a light amber lager.... somewhat similar to Coors beer... but with more flavor.

from Wackipodia entry

Mar-a-Lago Mall (?) Santan Brings JCheers and Vodka To Delight A MAGA Crowd

Almost Washington State (WHN) December 14, 2023. Sparing no (well, ok, a lot of) expense, the bastion of christianity that is Mar-a-Lago celebrated Christmas in grand fashion with a surprise visit from 'Santan'. Mr. Trump was surrounded by his two ex-wives (one a ghostly apparition of Christmases past) and a future ex-wife. Also present were Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal and several other females with whom Mr. Trump has had 'very close', indeed intimate, though transient, personal 'friendships'. Per the elder Trump, "This was magical... just like the Playboy Christmas parties! And the crowd, why I've never seen a crowd this BIG - I'd say it's MAGA! Hey it's Rudy, the Mikes [EDITOR: Flynn, Lindell, and Tyson], Roger, and so many more future White House cabinet members! Ho, Ho, Ho, Mike looks good in the lampshade and it's cute how Roger is using the Constitution to light his cigar!"

But, the highlight of the event was a visit from Santan who, apparently, came all the way from the Mar-a-Lago Mall - at least that is what he claimed: "Da, long ride wit Finnish reindeer. Good thing had lots of potato and vodka for trip."

To the surprise of one 'man-child', Santan gifted him an engraved GIANT Ukrainian, er, Russian potato, as well the promise of a BGGER GrIFT in November 2024 - all for a simple return gift of, as Santan stated, "a clearly imaginary country that has no Trump branded hotels". In agreement, the happy 'man-child' exclaimed, "If there isn't a Trump Hotel there, it can't be a real country! Please take it and gimme, gimme - boy howdy, that will make a lot of fries!"

Junior Trump was also 'excited' by his gift package (wrapped in an ecologically minded fig leaf) and was crazily running around the room, drinking distilled 'potato water' and asking young women if they would help him unwrap his 'package'.

All in all, another poignant Traditional Christmas with the evangelical Trump family.

"What? No head pets! What about belly rubs? NO!?!

I'll show you!"

Despite the strong economic argument against punishing S. Claus Industries, the IDIOT management remains focused on banning Christmas. It appears that B.C.'s only hope will be a veto of the resolution by the IDIOT President who lives in the United States. This may NOT occur according to former President Trump who states that: "The Biden Administration is wagging a war on Christmas and Christians and that only I can save Christmas... and the Reindeer Poop and Reindeer Piss that my base loves! Unless I become the IDIOT President in 2024, Christmas is doomed." 'The Grinch' Ander-Thal has sworn to defeat Trump at all costs: "Christmas will be gone! Say goodbye to Cindy Lou Who and all the citizens of Whoville, [EDITOR: a small neighborhood hamlet in South Surrey that sits in the middle of reindeer poop country]. Bwaaa HaHaHa......!"