April 1, 2020

tRUMP:

"'My 'Chinese' Virus relief package is The BEST Ever! Did Obama ever give you anything like this..."

TRUMP Condemns Toilet Paper Hoarding

"My Executive Time Is At Stake!"

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2020. As the U.S. braces for the worst of the pandemic, a 'concerned' Donald tRUMP worked aggressively to protect the security of his "Executive Time". Key to this protection was his establishment of the U.S.A. Strategic T.P. Reserve (STPR) located in Butts, Georgia.  Per Mr. tRUMP, "The Strategic Reserve is comfortably located between Washington, D.C. and Mar-a-Lago, Florida.  This assures that I can fulfill my "Executive Doodies, er, Duties" without interruptions... DID YOU HEAR THAT MELANIA, QUIT BUGGING ME WHEN I'M, er, 'WORKING'!"

Senate Majority Leader Moscow Mitch McConnell praised the President for his foresight in forming the STPR, "As you can see by the Exclusive WHN photo, the President is truly a 'CHARMIN' guy. I've even heard 'his poop don't stink' - though Melania has told me otherwise..."

THE FINE PRINT:

"This Generous Gift Is Given To You On CONDITION That Your Vote On November 3, 2020 Is Properly Placed For The Signatory Of This Check."

* Unless Thwarted By "Executive Time" Demands

Strategic T.P. Reserves To Be Tapped*

tRUMP Unveils

CREATION MYTHOLOGY: According to Ned Ander-Thal, noted theologian, toilet paper was made on the 7th Day of Creation. While officially a day of rest for God, angry rumblings from Adam and, especially, Eve in the Garden of Eden (reported to be near Mar-a-Lago, Florida) made God put down his popcorn bowl to fix an issue that those pesky humans had that none of his other creations apparentlyhad - messy derrières... Thus, god spoke to man: "This shall shall make life 'a pillowy softness that you can see and feel'". With their 'butts' now clean, Adam and Eve said, "You know, I could really go for Apple Pie".

Thus, while the now fabled T.P. has made civilization possible, it's absence may now lead to civilizations fall.  In these desperate times, humanity chaffs with despair... and other stuff....

BUTT WHAT CAN WE MERE MORTALS DO?

Oh, Crap! ... "But, Please Don't, We Have NO T.P."

McConnell: "He Is Truly A 'CHARMIN' Guy"

Poses major risk to President tRUMP's "Executive Time"

(except his)

Almost Washington State (WHN) April 1, 2020. Key to the sweeping success (from only 15 cases to 180,000 cases in just over 30 days) of the pandemic response has been Mr. Trump's protected 'Executive Time'. But 'Executive Time' could not succeed without the nation's "Strategic Toilet Paper Reserve" (STPR). While the primary goal of the STPR has been to protect and maintain the proper functioning of the 'OFFICE' of the President (see photo above), the STPR may contain sufficient reserves to help alleviate the shortage of T.P. facing the American public.

To oversee the proper distribution of the T.P., Mr. tRUMP has appointed Vice President Mike Pence to oversee the proper distribution of the T.P., "Mike has been brilliant in the battle against the Chinese  (EDITOR: SARS-CoV-2) virus. My television ratings are better than anything else on T.V. today - so I must be even more brilliant than Mike." Mr Pence stated that he had personally devised a "Smart" T.P. Delivery System, "As our brilliant President has said, I'm pretty smart, so between now and November 3, 2020 I will be personally distributing T.P. to American citizens, who promise to vote Trump in 2020. This will allow the Administration to carefully monitor T.P. distribution and to assure that  qualified citizens receive their fair share.."

"Super 'SMART' Toilet Paper Delivery Service."

The 'OFFICE' of the President

"I've made a fortune on T.P sales!"

SAMPLE OF ACTUAL CHECK

Dear Subscribers and Innocent Victims:

To quote the great Nobel Laureate (2016 Nobel Prize in Literature) Bob Dylan, "The times they are a-changin". As the staff of the World Headline News hunkers down in our secluded BIO-BUNKER, humor is sometimes hard to find... ... kind of like toilet paper.  But is the shortage of humor, much less toilet paper, real? Maybe not! We've heard rumors of a secret Strategic T.P. Reserve buried deep in the Butt, er, in Butt, Georgia (a real place!). Keep well, and as I now like to say, "Hey you, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME - by at least 6 feet!"

Ned Ander-Thal, Editor and Founder