Election Shocks

HIGH VOLTAGE SHOCKS

Biden Exits...

Kamala Harris Enters

Trump Now the "Old Man" in the Race

July 28, 2024 • Issue 189 (of 200?)

World Headline News

EXCLUSIVES

Almost Washington State (WHN) July 28, 2024. In an unexpected turn of events (NOT even foreseen by the Nostradamus of the 21st century inFamous Mystic Ned Ander-Thal), America's 46th President Joe Biden has 'elected' NOT to run in 2024. Instead, Mr. Biden has endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris and asked his primary delegates to support her nomination at the upcoming 2024 Democratic Convention (August 19-22, Chicago, IL).

Biden's withdrawal comes after his sleepy, sloppy, and confused Presidential debate with a truth challenged, angry and self aggrandizing Donald Trump in late June. While Mr. Trump's performance went as expected for the criminally convicted felon, and sexual assault perpetrator, Mr. Biden's shaky, at times incomprehensible, performance did not.

Almost Washington State (WHN) July 28, 2024.

HARRIS v TRUMP 2024

Despite Biden's exit, age will remain a major factor in the 2024 election. Mr. Biden's age of 81 was a/the major target of the Trump campaign which portrayed the current President as a senile individual incapable of governance. This tack was taken despite Mr. Trump being a 78 year old, obese, individual with multiple examples of his own cognitive decline (reduced vocabulary, slurring of speech, nonsensical words, and overly lengthy pauses). Indeed, should Mr. Trump be elected, he would be the OLDEST person elected to the Presidency as well as the oldest at the (legal) conclusion of his second 4 year term (supplanting Mr. Biden, the current record holder)! Ms. Harris, at age 59, is almost 20 years younger than Mr. Trump and can now flip the switch on the former President. Moreover, Trump is now a convicted felon and was found guilty of sexual assault in a civil case. As a former prosecutor, Ms. Harris should find this low hanging fruit.

Biden Saves AMERICA

AGAIN

Bye, Bye, Birdie...er, Biden

The Right to Bear Arms In Actual Practice

Trump Literally Dodges A Bullet

Almost Washington State (WHN) July 28, 2024. In an apparent (out of control?) celebration of the American Second Amendment, a US citizen exercised their right to bear, aim, and fire their semi-automatic AR-15 rifle. While a jealously protected right by the right, in this case his target was former President Donald John Trump the 'Champion of Gun Rights'. Only the last second inadvertent movement of Mr. Trump's head prevented a bullseye.

Using an 8 mm film of the assassination attempt provided by Abraham Zapruder, who was seated on the grassy knoll behind the former President, WHN consultant Lee Harvey Oswald Jr. was able to determine the AR-15 rifle used was purchased legally and the the shooter, Thomas Crooks, was, in fact, exercising his legal right as an American to own and operate a gun. Mr. Trump, not wearing an orange hunting vest (ironic as he is the Orange Jesus) may actually have been at fault as it was (possibly) deer season.... and he is, to many, the DEAR LEADER.

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Newsroom Panic! Ned's plan for a month(s?) long alcohol themed bender were thrown into disarray as American (EDITOR: damn those Americans) political events pulled him away from the liquor stores, cheap gin joints and the moonshine stills of South Surrey. With the rapid pace of change in the American political landscape, Ned could be heard repeatedly saying, "OH... MY... GOD... I've got to get my head on straight..." Of course, that could simply have been due to his alcohol intake. © 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

MOSTLY

While Mr. Trump was not wearing an orange vest, former White House doctor and current Texas Representative, Dr. Ronny Jackson (or is that Johnston) stated that only Mr. Trump's steely will, ballistic skin, and AquaNet laced kevlar toupee saved his life. Though, others (primarily Mr. Trump and FoxNews) have stated that it was the 'hand of God' that deflected Mr. Trump's head from the path of the bullet. God, in a statement to the Press, denied that he saved Trump but rather he was "attempting to knock some sense into the head of the former/future President and it was just coincidence that this coincided with Mr. Crooks legal protected rights to fire bullets. Man, that is just one lucky guy... it's kinda like he's made a deal with the devil."

Due to Mr. Biden's age (81) many Democrats became concerned and encouraged him to step aside for a younger candidate. The calls grew only louder following additional verbal gaffes (for which Mr. Biden has always been known for) in subsequent press events. On July 21, Mr. Biden's plummeting poll numbers and his concern over what a second Trump Presidency would mean for America, reluctantly decided to step aside for the good of America and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris for the Democratic Presidential nomination.

While Vice President Harris has not yet officially received the official Democratic nomination, Soothsayer Ned Ander-Thal is confidant that she will be the Democratic nominee: "Bet your last dollar, if you have any left after my January predictions, on Kamala being the Presidential nominee for the Democrats! Now if they could get Snoop Dog on board as VP..."

WHY?

Almost Washington State (WHN) July 28, 2024. Senator J.D. Vance has been selected by Mr. Trump as his Vice Presidential running mate for 2024. Strangely, former Vice President Mike Pence was not even being considered despite his vast experience in the position.

But Senator Vance is a man of some mystery! If you ask, 99% of people have no idea as to what 'J.D.' stands for... For many voters, based on his public oratory skills, they assume 'J.D.' stands for "Just Dull"; though many others claim it stands for "Just Dumb". When asked by the WHN, the Trump Campaign spokesman stated, "We dunno. I suppose we will find out at the swearing in ceremony..."

To get to the bottom of the mystery, noted psychologist Dr. Ned Ander-Thal of the Albanian Brain Institute, analyzed Mr. Vance's personal and public history, for clues. After an exhaustive analysis, Dr. Ander-Thal states that 'J.D.' likely stands for "Justifiably Demented". Indeed, per Dr. Ander-Thal, "Senator Vance's past public and private comments clearly support this conclusion. From our analysis, he does not bring anything positive to the Trump ticket..." PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has issued a statement condemning Senator Vance's criticism of 'Cat-Ladies': "We believe in spay and neutering to prevent such aggressive behavior and will happily pay for the neutering of Mr. Vance in order to protect the constitution and Cat Ladies everywhere."

SO WHY J.D. VANCE????

Nothing but more attention on Trump. Per Dr. Ander-Thal, "As Mr. Trump would say, 'MANY people say that 'J.D.' is boring and low energy at his rallies! Because of this, he will never overshadow me.' Do you remember Mike Pence, I thought not, but he was a Vice President who NEVER overshadowed the Donald." Perhaps that is the key to WHY Mr. Trump selected 'J.D.', as the Donald is well known for not allowing his underlings to out shine the Orange Jesus.

Several sources also suggest that both Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump Jr. both pushed for Senator Vance because of his position to the RIGHT of former President Trump - Project 2025 anybody? Also Don Jr. like his beard: "Hey, it looks just like mine. What a handsome devil."

NOTE: J.D. = James David

KAMALA HARRIS

FOR PRESIDENT

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE 2024 ELECTION?

WHN EXCLUSIVE: Las Vegas odds makers are currently calculating the odds of NEW and IMPROVED 'Civil War 2024 Rumble in The Civic and Legal Jungle' based on traditional measures: Age, Height, Weight and Reach. Currently, Ms. Harris is the underdog based on height, weight and reach. Ms. Harris' stats were provided by the independent Federal Election Commission (FEC) while Mr. Trump's stats were provided by former White House Physician Representative/Doctor Ronnie Jackson who stated that "Mr. Trump is the most perfect human specimen that I have ever seen; he'll live to be 1,000!". Recent betting trends are, however, seeming to trend towards Ms. Harris. Time, well November, will tell. © 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

According to Las Vegas insiders (i.e., Ned's bookie) betting odds are changing dramatically with President Biden's departure from the race. While Mr. Trump was previously the odds on favorite (5:3) to win back the Presidential Championship Belt, the odds have tightened remarkably in the past few days as the enthusiasm for Ms. Harris builds. A comparison of the contenders suggests a vicious battle is ahead. But, misinformation continues to spread. While it has be reported that Mr. Trump is 78, his camp now claims that he is 45 (perhaps a typographical error?). Per Mr. Trump, "Hey, everyone knows I'm 45, but in January 2025, I'll be 47!" Ring doctors have certified both as "fit to fight" with Ms. Harris weighing in at a certified 132 lbs while Mr. Trump's camp reports that he is a lean 175 lbs (another typo???). Per the 'Tale of the Tape', Mr. Trump maintains a clear height advantage at 7'4" (oh, come 'on man he is not even the 6"3 that he claims to be... those must be some huge shoe lifts) versus Vice President Harris who at 5'4' would be in the fight with James Madison (America's 4th President) to be the shortest President in US history. Ms. Harris also has a shorter reach (keeping her in better touch with reality) while Mr. Trump seems to have an unlimited, and insatiable, reach ("Gimme, gimme more!")

WHN EXCLUSIVE: A brave Trump addresses the masses: "As Dear Leader, I fully support the Second Amendment with no restrictions. God has proven that he favors me and that you MUST vote for me." God responds, "Another mulligan." © 2024 Ned Ander-Thal, World Headline News

Senator J.D. Vance

Selected for Republican Vice President Slot